{January 6, 2011}   Thoughts on a quiet night

It’s 2:30am here in Germany. For some reason, I cannot sleep. My Nana used to always tell me that when you can’t sleep it’s because your stomach is empty and your mind is full. Every time I have a sleepless night, I always realize it’s because my mind will not stop racing. And tonight is no different. I can’t even put into words what is on my mind because I have so many thoughts at once, that it won’t settle down. I turn the lights off and lay my head on the pillow…and the thoughts zoom by at a million miles a minute. One here, one there…random, not making sense, no rhyme or reason. But I did realize that it is in these quiet, lonely minutes in the early morning that I stop and think about life. I went back and read my parents recent posts on facebook. They are so sad about my leaving and worried about my upcoming deployment. It seems that everything I do in life makes them worry. I hate leaving them, but I know that what I’m doing is a great thing for me. Does that make me selfish? I don’t like being selfish. I don’t want to sound conceited or anything, but I really think I am one of the most self LESS people that I know. I will do anything I possibly can to help others. But at some point in life, one has to do something for themselves, right? My adult life has been wrapped up in so many other people. I’ve been hurt so many times because I am so willing to give myself to others. Now is my time. Because before I can willingly give myself to someone else, I have to be a stronger person within. I have to figure out ME before I can expect someone else to, no? How can someone love me, when I don’t even love me? I barely even LIKE me, let only love me. And the mask I use can only stay in place so long before someone close to me catches on and sees the complete lack of self confidence that resides within me. My parents are so strong and amazing. They have been through so much and are still standing strong. It amazes me.

When I left to come back to Germany, I found a note my mom had slipped into my purse. That note was the nicest thing I think I have ever been given. To be told her thoughts about me and how proud she is of me touched the deepest part of my heart and soul. I have always thought that I was a huge disappointment to my parents because of decisions that I have made. I still feel that way at times. But I realize now that they are not disappointed in ME, but in the decisions I have made. Those decisions are not ME…they are choices. Dislike the sin, not the sinner, right? That’s comforting to me. Thank you, momma, for telling me those thoughts. They run through my mind constantly and I have read and reread that note repeatedly. It means so much to me…each and every point you made. But two that really stand out, is that you think I’m nice and that I see the world through different eyes. I kind of chuckle that those are my favorite points, but it really kind of is. If there is anything that I want people to remember about me, it’s that I was nice and kind. I find life to be so much easier for myself with the mindset of niceness. And you are so right, I DO see life through totally different eyes. If I didn’t look so much like you, I would really wonder if I am part of this family. Ha ha. I don’t know how I became like I did, but I thank you guys for encouraging me to be how I am, and just letting me make my own way in life. You never tried to stand in my way or discourage me for trying things out on my own. You stood by my side, even if you didn’t agree, and cheered me on. You will never know how much that means to me. I know I will always have you in my corner, and it’s so comforting to keep in mind as I go through life.  And Daddy, my sweet dear Dad. The post you made on fb about thinking all your children had managed to dodge the military bullet, and now here I am. About to go to war. Your last line haunts me. “I can’t breathe right now.” Plays over and over in my head. I want to apologize, but I don’t know what I would be sorry about. I don’t want to hurt you or cause you pain. I would ask you not to worry, but I know that isn’t realistic. I’m your baby girl…your princess. I know the realities that face me, and I know you worry about it all the time. But if for no reason other than coming home to see you guys, I promise you I will be safe. I know I can’t predict the future, but I will do everything in my power to ensure that I come home again.

On another note, I talked to an old friend today. She said to me that during our short time together, she learned a lot from me. It’s amazing to me to hear that. I always want to impact someone, and to hear that I actually have, in some form or fashion, not only warms my heart, but it means so much to me. I’m glad I have managed to touch at least one person. As morbid as it may sound, I sometimes wonder, if I die…who would even come to my funeral and would anyone really have anything to say about me? Have I touched anyone, made a difference in their lives, made an impact that I’m not aware of? I love when I talk to someone, give them my thoughts or advice, and they come back and tell me that they thought about what I said. It makes me say ‘wow, i made somewhat of a difference.’ Maybe not life altering or anything, but what I said mattered enough that they gave it a second thought. I hope there are people at my funeral that want to stand up and say nice things about me. I hope I make a big enough difference or impact on enough people that they want to share the type of person that I was to them and to the world. I want to be that person that people miss when I’m not around…or will really miss when I’m gone.

Lots of other thoughts have been running through my mind these last few hours that I have been awake, but that is just a few of them that I wanted to share. It’s random and kind of all over the place, but that’s how the mind works usually, isn’t it? Life is just crazy at times. I sit back and just look at everything, shake my head and laugh.

Ok, enough rambling. I was hoping that writing out even a portion of my thoughts would help get them out of my head enough so that I could get to sleep, but I’m not sure that’s gonna happen. Oh well. Such is life I suppose. Dreams about impacting others will just have to wait for another night. 🙂

Good night/morning, world.


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