{September 4, 2012}   Refresh

Well, here I sit (well, lay actually) in my friends home in Washington. After a looooong 35 hr drive from Oklahoma to Washington, I have arrived and semi-settled at my new duty station. Tomorrow will begin my week long in-processing whereas afterwards, I will be put into my new unit and my new life officially started. It’s weird to think that I live here now. I love moving. Change and I have a love/hate relationship. I hate change, but I so love it at the same time. Especially now. The last couple of years of my life have been a complete roller coaster, so I am beyond excited to start this new endeavor.

I love to use the old cliche of ‘starting a new chapter in my life.’ As an avid reader, nothing rings more true than a change in life truly being a new chapter in your book of life. Every time, I picture a literal book, and someone turning the page to begin a new chapter. In my head, I see the end of the previous chapter as the page is slowly being turned, and the title of the upcoming chapter. Sometimes, it doesn’t have a title. Sometimes, the title is best chosen as the chapter is written. I don’t know what the titles of my previous chapters would be, but I’d like to think of this one as “Refresh.”

When you visit a website and it doesn’t load, we have a tendency to just click the refresh button to make it work again. That’s my life. That’s this chapter. I want to refresh everything. New me. New life. New friends (well, mostly new…I have some very cherished friends that I plan on keeping around.) New relationships. Just…new. New everything. And I can’t wait. I am elated. It’s time. Like a snake ready to shed it’s old skin, I’m ready to shed my past life. My past life where I have loved, lost, been hurt, been happy…and learned. Maybe not learned a lot…but still learned. 🙂 I know what I want to do, somewhat. I know I want to take care of ME before I can take care of anyone else. I need to realize that I come first, and that has never really sunk in with me. It’s always been about everyone else. Everyone’s needs and wants above my own. For the last 12 yrs of my life, it’s been everyone above me. But the aftermath of the last two years made me realize that I can’t keep giving pieces of me to everyone else. Not too soon in the future, there won’t be much of me left to give. There’s nothing like a 35 hr drive, alone, to force you to really think about life and what you want out of it. I had to face life, face my reality…face myself. It’s not pretty. I don’t like what I see. But there’s a small glimmer of hope, a tiny voice that is crying out, begging to be heard. A small voice that has been buried beneath all the crap I’ve been dealt from 2 ex husbands, and some other exes, that wants me to wake up. To take notice that it hasn’t been completely drowned out. It’s wanting to be uncovered so it can yell at me that I’m not lost! I may have been chipped away, but I still have a strong foundation that is mostly intact. And if I don’t listen now, if I don’t uncover that voice, all might just be lost. So in that drive, I slowly but surely started moving pieces of the trash that drowned the voice. It’s not fully uncovered yet…it scares me to do so. But, it’s getting there. I want to uncover it. I want to hear what it has to say. “Curiouser and curiouser.” I want to be a strong willed girl who can stand on her own two feet. Who knows who she is and isn’t afraid of what others think. Who meets a man that values who she is and gives to her as much as she gives to him. I want to be loved for me! Not for who he wants me to be. And I’ve begun digging deep to find out who that girl really truly is. It amazes me when people compliment me and tell me such nice things about myself, but I’m not to the point that I truly believe it yet. The one thing I know to be true, is my kindness. My loving, kind, giving heart. And above all else, that’s what I want people to notice. So the fact that they do, is the highest praise I could ever receive. That’s who I want to be. Everything else I’m striving for is secondary. But it’s time for that secondary to move up a bit so that I can be happy with myself too.

So here I am, trying to be motivated. Motivated to change myself for the better. Be stronger, be wiser, be lovelier, be fit, be strong…be me. Be the Caryn I know I can be. I’m going to start working out and eating better. I want to be healthy. That’s my newest goal. I’m going to start going to the gym, doing cardio and strength training. On top of that, I want to find a dance studio and start taking ballet lessons. I can’t wait. It’s kind of frustrating because I don’t know where anything is around here, but I’ll get in the groove. I’ve got my cousin(s) here whom I know will help me in any way possible. Which is comforting. I don’t have to go it alone, even though I don’t doubt that I could. 🙂

So, my goals have sort of been set. I am terrified of failure, so it’s really hard for me to set goals. Especially for something like getting fit or losing weight. I have no idea even what kind of goal is feasible, and as I said…I fear failure. Setting goals frightens me because there is a risk of not meeting it. And if I tell others my goals, they will know when I fail. It’s one thing to let myself down, I’ve done that so much, it’s almost second nature. Not that it doesn’t still scare or disappoint me, but the fear of failing or letting down others far outweighs anything I could ever do to myself. But I’m trying to work on it. So, my first goal that I am going to put out in public is that I am going to start drinking more water and go to the gym. I know that seems like a piddly little goal, but it’s a start. Baby steps. I’m not quite ready to put everything out in the open yet, but I’m hoping I’ll get there. One day. It’s all progress, be it forward or backward. Some progress is good progress. If I stumble, I just need to do what I have always done. Jump back up, look around, wonder how on earth I managed to do that, and keep on truckin’.  So that’s what I will do.

Wow, I really need to work on my rambling. Ha ha. But I just start writing and it’s like vomit of the fingers. It just keeps coming and won’t stop. So I will forcefully put the theoretical pen down and seal up this letter.

Thank you to whomever is out there reading this blog. I hope I don’t bore you with my mindless blabbering.

Cheer’s to you and knowing who you are deep down inside. Cheer’s to me for beginning the journey of self discovery so I, too, may be satisfied in life, in love and in me. 🙂


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